7 Tips on how to find clarity, confidence and courage in making tough decisions.

About 8 years ago I found myself confused, worried and in fear about my future.  The context of those feelings was that I was a solicitor and a partner in a national firm of solicitors, was well liked, respected and an inspiration to others.  I had been with the firm for over 15 years at that time.  I had been head-hunted into the firm at a time when I had just discovered I was pregnant.  Joining the firm meant my husband and I moving counties away from a much-needed family network that would have been able to have supported us with a new baby on the way. I had invested a lot in both my career and this job.  I was confused because I could not work out what was wrong. Why, all of a sudden, I had started to feel less enthusiastic and passionate about what I did, but it was becoming clear to me that I needed a change, but what was the change I needed and why?

I had worked really hard to achieve my partnership; an enviable position, especially as a relatively young black woman. My legal career began as a legal secretary some 22 years previously including 10 years of part-time study working as a legal executive before qualifying as a solicitor.  I had a good reputation in my firm and had not been looking to move.  I was extremely proud of my achievements.

I had been working long hours and often weekends, but that was normal and expected in my senior position and, after all, I was no stranger to hard work. Why then was it that what I had worked so hard at and what I had achieved no longer enough for me? Why was I feeling like this?

CLARITY

This lack of clarity and worry made me think, if I was not happy doing what I was doing, if I was going to stop being a solicitor, what would I do.  I could not think beyond being a solicitor, despite my always thinking it was not the case with me; it had become my identity. If I was going to stop being a solicitor, who was I?   What would my friends, family and colleagues think of me if I said that I no longer wanted this life in law?  Quite frankly, they would think I had lost my mind!  My family and friends were aware of how hard I had worked to get to my position; why would I want to throw that away?  I remember feeling that leaving would be such a waste of all those years of study and work! My colleagues too would surely not understand why I wanted to give up my partnership; after all, most of them were striving to be in my position.

In all of my confusion and worry, the one thing I seemed to be clear about was that I did not want to just leave my firm and go to another one in the same way.  I felt that if I did that, without getting to the crux of my feelings, surely, I would feel the same way in time and that would not solve anything.  If I’m honest, I had real confidence and self-worth issues about going to a new firm; what if I would not have the same respect as I had with my current firm; what if a new firm did not appreciate the hard work that had got me to where I was; what if I had to prove myself all over again? I also remember telling myself I could have remained in my firm for another 15 years, but would not have been completely happy and that was not enough for me.

I had to work out what the real issue was; what was the change my mind and body was telling me that I needed.  I loved my firm and the people in it, and I was grateful for the opportunities that had been given to me. The problem was that I could not think beyond leaving. I tried to identify and breakdown my skills and what elements of my work I could take with me to a new career, but just kept coming back to the same conclusion; I was a solicitor and that was what I did.  I tried so many times to start putting together my cv, but just could not make any progress with it.

I had a mortgage to pay so also had to consider my financial future and what I would need to do in order to ensure I had a similar salary. What I now know and recognise was that I was procrastinating in not facing up to my feelings and trying to ignore them hoping that they would go away and also that the main reason for my procrastination was fear and self-doubt.  I was fearful that my career was over, that I would lose my identity and my status and that there was nothing else I was good enough at to start another career.  What I also realise now is that what I could have done with at the time was a life coach to help me work through my confusion, worry and fear.

In the end, despite my confusion, worry and fear, what I realised was that I had to do something because I was becoming immobilised in not taking action. I had to do something to move forward.  As I could not think beyond resigning, what I did, therefore, was to resign. I remember the feeling now, communicating my resignation and what it felt like to actually say out loud I wanted to leave.  I literally put my hands over my mouth immediately having said “I’m resigning” and then immediately felt a sense of complete relief.  Finally, I felt a fog had lifted.  Somehow, I trusted that if I took that step, things would become clearer for me and indeed they did. All of a sudden, I was able to think about different options and not just the one option of leaving my career.  Taking that one step gave me the clarity I needed and somehow the fear reduced.  I still did not know what I was going to do, but the fear was reduced, and I started to think more clearly. 

CONFIDENCE

I realised that actually it did not matter what my family and friends or colleagues felt or said about my wanting this change.  Although their opinions did matter to me, it was what I thought that really mattered.  I also realised that what you do in life is never a waste; everything you do or whatever happens, good or bad, are all life experiences.  I began to realise that not being a solicitor did not mean that all I had achieved would somehow disappear; my achievements would always be my achievements. Who I was as a person would not change and I did not need a position or firm to validate me! I started to see what other people had seen in me all along.

Having resigned opportunities started coming to me.  I look back and realise that I had to take that step, in order to allow those opportunities to present themselves.  I didn’t even need to look, nor did I have to update a cv or do anything to justify why I was leaving my partnership or convince anyone that I was worthy or sufficiently skilled at another job.  I had become much more confident about my position.  In the end, the opportunities that I accepted allowed me to remain a solicitor, but on a self-employed basis, but also to train other solicitors at a national training company.  Becoming self-employed was financially risky after having had a regular and good salary. There were no guarantees about how much work I would be able to attract or whether I would be able to meet all my outgoings, but something in my gut said just to go with it and ‘trust’. 

COURAGE

Without realising it, I had also gained the courage to just go with those opportunities and trust that everything would work out.  Something that has stayed with me over the years.

Although then it did not take a pandemic for me to go through this transition, such as it was, I am aware, both through my continued work as a solicitor in the field of employment law and through my life coaching, that there are a lot of people right now going through similar feelings of confusion, worry and fear.  What the current economic climate will mean for their jobs and careers and that of their families. Worried about potential redundancies and fearful about whether they will manage financially.  On the other hand, there will be others that are taking a less fear-based approach and taking the opportunity of re-assessing their futures and taking control of their own destiny.   That might be in looking at a change in career or starting a business of their own.  Decisions that still require clarity, confidence and courage. After all, my life-coaching business with my daughter was born out of lockdown.

I decided to quality as a life coach because I realised that part of what I bring to my legal clients, as well as solid legal advice and assistance, is coaching them through the many emotions that come through unhappiness at work.

Are you feeling confused, worried or fearful right now about the future and the changes that might be around the corner?  Have you become immobilised by those feelings and need help in working through things?  Has lockdown caused you to re-assess your life or furlough affected your self-worth and confidence, or does the thought of potential redundancy leave you cold? 

My tips on achieving clarity, confidence and courage

  1. Don’t ignore the feelings.  Lean into to them and listen to what your gut and your head is trying to tell you.
  2. Try to identify what area of your life these feelings relate to.
  3. Be honest with yourself about what it is that you might have to do.  If you are not sure, asking someone else to make the decision for you will not help.
  4. Ask yourself, what you definitely don’t want to do.  That will give some clarity of what you want to do.
  5. Weigh up the pros and cons of any decision you might take and see what they feel like to you.  Remember that growth comes from some discomfort.
  6. When you have decided what you need to do, focus on it and consider the benefits of your taking that step.  It will give you the confidence around your decision.
  7. Once you have the clarity and confidence, the courage will come because what you will know for sure is that this is the right thing to do for you.

My journey allowed me to achieve the clarity, confidence and courage that I needed at that time. Having now started another business and another journey, I have had to again call upon the steps that I have outlined above to get me there.

Confusion, worry, fear and limiting beliefs will immobilise you.  Clarity confidence and courage will set you free to do and be all that you want in this world.

Lorna Valcin

Employment solicitor and Life Coach

E-mail: LVcoachingservices@gmail.com

Facebook: LV Coaching

Instagram: l.v_coaching

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